Do you ever sit up at night and wonder what you’re doing with your life? Ever lie awake wondering where you’re going and what your supposed to do? Ever been stuck wanting something you can’t have? Well that is me. I lie awake at night distracting myself with literature and social media, hoping my mind will drift from the one thing I want. Or maybe the two things I want. Two things I just cannot have. There have been few moments in my life where opportunities have gone in my favor that I missed. I missed because I was too afraid. Because I “did not look at my phone” and missed the text I had been waiting for all night. Because I did not know what was going to happen when I woke up in the morning. Because I was afraid of making a mistake.
I have always put others before myself, and as I sit frustrated at myself and in a moment of self pity, I wish I was not like this. I wish I went after what I wanted before letting everyone else have it. And now it is too late. I let the two people I want slip through my fingers. Not that I really had them in the first place, but the feeling is all the same. All I can do now is sit and stare at them from across the table and pretend like nothing is bothering me. Nothing is on my mind and I feel nothing. I can never say how I really felt all of those nights or all of the things I wish I had done because they are long gone. They have moved on and I am stuck sitting up at night and wondering where I went wrong.
Now I wish you can learn from this. As vague as my writing appears, know it was intentional. I fail to share my true feelings in person and let people in so my writing is only a reflection of that. Now some of you probably figured out what I was hinting at and some did not. All I want you to know is that fear is what continues to keep me from trying. It keeps me from going after the people I want, the things I want, and instead keeps me up at night. I hope you are never too afraid to go after what you want because the saying is true, you never know what you had until it is gone. I hope you never have to walk into a room and watch the one thing you want leaning against a wall with someone you wish you were.